


experimenting with unintentional friends

by Anonymous



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Long and Short Needle Cacti: The Pros and Cons, M/M, Other, homunculus!oikawa, in a sexual way obviously, married iwaoi, ofc the duck tops, scientist/youtuber!ushijima, ushijima looooves his cacti
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 07:40:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6795193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ushijima is a scientist, and he creates a homunculus after finding new evidence for his "secret project". However, instead of having an amazing discovery, things get... out of hand?</p>
            </blockquote>





	experimenting with unintentional friends

**Author's Note:**

> Just crack and fluff with most of the idea creds to my friend @ushijimascacti and a Russian guy on YouTube. (the vids are linked at the bottom because there's spoilers for the story) Also, Ushijima likes to shove cacti up his ass, but that's not explicitly mentioned so there's no smut ;)
> 
> oh and an alternate summary that's just crack:  
> Ushijima is a scientist, and a bit of a hoe, so he decided he would use his very own sperm to create himself a homunculus! To shove up his ass, anyway. But he stumbles upon (literally) a friend instead? Their relationship is short lived, so I’ll get to the point. *wink*
> 
> jk that was awful and filled w puns
> 
> Basically Ushijima is a scientist and he creates a homunculus after visiting a sketchy Russian website ;;)) … and strange things ensue.

Ushijima rushed to his lab, plastic grocery bag swinging violently in his hand, spurred on by his most recent discovery. Reaching the front doors, he ran right into them after realizing that it was after hours and the doors would not be open. However, nothing could discourage Ushijima now, so he hastily scanned his card at the door and rubbed the bump already forming on his forehead as he continued on. The dark corridors made for an elaborate maze, but he worked his way through them expertly, finally reaching his lab.

He flipped the lights on and emptied the contents of the bag onto the pale counter at his lab station. Sliding a couple cacti that had somehow found their way in the bag back into it, he left a carton of a dozen chicken eggs, a bottle of sperm, and a box of band aids on the counter. He grabbed a dish and a syringe off of a nearby shelf, and went to work on the egg. He made a small hole in the top of the egg, then inserted the sperm into the yolk with the syringe. He then covered the hole with band aids and put it in an empty incubation tank, and set it to open forty days from now.

Letting out a shaky breath, Ushijima gathered his few things, including the cacti, and walked back home to complete his nightly ‘ritual’.

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

It was the day Ushijima had been dreaming of, in a totally perverted way, and he got to work 20 minutes early without realizing. He paced over to the incubation tank and found it unlocked. An exhilarated smile crept its way onto his face, and he gingerly set the egg down onto his lab table.

Tapping the egg on the edge of a glass dish, he let the viscous, creamy liquid flow out of the opening and into the dish. When the liquid started to thin, Ushijima carefully pried the edges of the eggshell away from each other until a small, humanoid creature coated in the juice splashed into the dish.

Only slightly startled, he peered into the dish to get a closer look at the thing. It couldn’t have been more than ten centimeters in length, and only about two in width at its thickest. It had short, stubby arms and legs, a round torso, and an oversized head that was blank, save for a floppy mop of caramel brown hair.

Oh, and, it _wasn’t moving_.

Ushijima started to panic. He had excruciatingly researched the method of making the homunculus, and had made sure he knew the exact way to get successful results.

_So why the hell was it just sitting there?!_

He turned away, beginning to cry, when he heard a quick popping noise from behind him. Whirling around, he saw that the homunculus had opened a pair of eyes the same color as its hair and a mouth that Ushijima hadn’t noticed were there before.

Leaning in, he got up close and personal with the thing, too close for comfort, but too worried that getting a magnifying glass would make him miss something important. Reaching behind him, he closed his hand around a pair of tweezers and used them to pick up the homunculus by the legs.

Nothing happened.

It didn't blink, and Ushijima didn’t breathe.

“Surprise, bitch!!” It suddenly yelled, it's voice surprisingly loud for its tiny body, and spat in Ushijima’s face.

From his perspective, it felt like the same liquid that came out of the egg now coated his face, and he almost dropped the homunculus from the shock of it. Licking his lips and noting that he enjoyed the taste, he continued to stare at it in disbelief.

_Did it just talk to me_ , was his first thought, and his second, _wait, did that thing just say “surprise, bitch”?!_

Leaving Ushijima no time to collect itself, he saw that the homunculus was preparing to toss another portion of the liquid at him, so he threw it on the counter and slammed a well-used textbook titled, Long and Short Needle Cacti: The Pros and Cons, over its writhing form.

He slowly raised the textbook from the homunculus’ splattered remains and whispered,

_“You should have gone to Shiratorizawa."_

“Damn, I thought he was kinda cute,”

Whipping his head to the side, he saw his lab partner, Iwaizumi, was watching him intently. He had apparently arrived at work sometime during his little ‘experiment’ without Ushijima noticing.

“When the he- You know what, I don't care, you’re so gay you'd think a male duck was cute.”

Iwaizumi was about to retort, but then he considered it and started to nod his head, and it was at that point that Oikawa’s eyes flew open and he sat in his bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to process.

“... What the _fuck_.”

“Hmm?” Iwaizumi, half asleep, rolled over in the bed to wrap his arm around Oikawa’s waist.

“Iwa-chan… I think I just had a nightmare. And Ushiwaka-chan was in it.” He turned his head to look into Iwaizumi’s bobbing eyelids. “And you were in it. And I was in it. But I was tiny. And I think I was a homunculus. And, wait, are you into male ducks?! Iwa-chan is there something you’re not telling me?!”

Oikawa’s voice rose as he started gradually remembering his dream, and now he was practically shrieking.

_It's really too early for this_ , Iwaizumi thinks, and squeezes Oikawa's hips tighter.

“I'm sure it was just a pointless dream…” He tried to comfort Oikawa, but his voice probably ended up just sounding tired.

“No, no, no, no, Iwa-chan! I… Iwa-chan don't go back to sleep, Iwa-chan. _Hajime!_ I'm having a crisis!!”

“Mmm…”

“... Hajime, I need you to answer me seriously.”

“About what?”

“DO YOU HAVE A THING FOR MALE DUCKS?! _OR ANY DUCKS?!”_

“What? No, I-”

“You know, it might be okay, we could work through this-”

“Tooru,”

“I mean, I might be able to work with whatever kinks-”

“ _Tooru-_ ”

Suddenly Oikawa turned to the side, fast, and gripped Iwaizumi’s hands. “Hajime, I’ve decided, I can deal with this, so don't leave me!! We can work with whatever duck fetishes you have, I promise, just please don't-”

“Shittykawa, I don't know where you got the idea that I'm going to leave you, and for a _duck_ no less, but I don't like ducks and I do like you, so go to sleep.”

“... Just ‘like’ me?”

“I love you, Tooru,” Iwaizumi grumbled. “Now if we could go back to bed-”

“Ah, but Iwa-chan what if that dream comes back again~”

“Then I’ll still be here.”

“Okay, Iwa-chan…” Oikawa mumbles, nuzzling his head into the other’s neck.

“Love you too.”

**Author's Note:**

> vids:  
> http://youtu.be/b6nEaT6QaWQ  
> http://youtu.be/8YmLWnQGZhQ 
> 
> um yeah I'm not even going to try to explain this
> 
> but gr888 art by ushijimascacti http://trashy-blog-fangirl.tumblr.com/post/144079488302/hey-hey-everyone-go-read-the-crack-fic-my-friend


End file.
